Living With Trauma

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

Little do you know, I’m still up at 4 a.m. wondering what I did wrong

What is love?

©2022 Kelly Jeanne

Most people who’ve experienced a lifetime of love have problems answering this question. How much less someone who’s never experienced love?

All my life I’ve been accused of using hyperbole, being overly dramatic, attention seeking. Why?

My abuse started when I was born and lasted throughout my childhood. Do you know the worst years anyone can be abused? The formative years. This is because the brain develops much faster during this time than at any other time in a person’s life. When these years are not developed and nurtured, this causes serious behavioral issues throughout life.

People readily acknowledge this, even while not fully understanding how truly crippling this can be for someone. Yet, when they meet someone like myself who has been so neglected in love and in life, and I tell them how being raised in such a dysfunctional and toxic environment has really messed me up, their reaction is usually, “Naaahhhh!” “Stop overreacting.” “You have to stop exaggerating.” “How is talking like this accomplishing anything for you?”

It’s easy to believe something when they are simply words on paper or confined to an academic setting. However, once those words are taken off the paper and removed from the world of academia and steps into reality, it’s too much for the average person to accept. These are the moments reality hits hard. No one likes reality. Most prefer to stay insulated in their little bubbles.

Do you know what trauma is? Trauma is when you’ve had too much reality forced upon you; thrust upon you when your mind is too young to handle it. This is what happened to me. I never had the luxury of a bubble to protect me. My whole childhood was raw and uncertain; a living hell that continually brought me to the edge of insanity everyday while growing up.

When I finally left home you would have thought I was raised by wolves. I always say that if I were raised by wolves I certainly would have received more love. I didn’t know anything when I first entered the real world. Those around me thought I was incredibly stupid. Looking back, I would have agreed.

Imagine being 25 and being so unsocialized because of the years of neglect, you weren’t taught anything about anything. As a result the bullying I had received all through school; all through my childhood, continued. This time from adults, and I use that term loosely. I feel as if I’ve spent my whole life around 5th graders. Socializing myself was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, simply because I never had any positive role models to go from. At the age of 64 I still haven’t mastered it.

When anyone says to me,

“Don’t feel bad! I haven’t mastered it myself!”

They think they’re saying this as a show of support. Instead, this shows they don’t have a clue about what I’m talking about. How do I know? Usually these people have family, friends and can talk easily with people. If you’ve been neglected and never shown love, people wouldn’t necessarily be attracted to you, at least not good people.

People who are raised as I was come across as raw and hard to digest. We are unsettling and we rub people the wrong way. None of this is intentional. This is what severe trauma does to someone.

I’m not ashamed to say that I’m severely messed up in the head because I didn’t do this to me. The egg and sperm donor did this to me. The sad part is I’ll always be paying for the sins they committed against me. The multiple concussions I sustained while a child only complicated things as well.

I don’t know what love is, but I sure know what it isn’t.

What about you? Do you know what love is?

4 thoughts on “Living With Trauma

  1. Sometimes animals are better at love than people. I don’t know about wolves, but my dogs’ love is unconditional (althouth treats probably come into it somewhere.)
    Reaearch a couple of years ago led to news articles saying that when your cat looks at you as if it wants to eat you, it probably does… but I have too little experience of cats to give an opinion.
    But on the whole animals are less demanding of return for their affection.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Since dogs are from wolves that would mean that wolves are exactly the same way as dogs are. Any animal that’s a herd or pack animal have the same psychology, because you are looked upon as the alpha dog – head of the pack. Herd and pack animals are hard-wired to want to please you. It’s a matter of survival for them.
      It’s the same thing with horses, cows, bulls, sheep, goats, etc.
      Cats are solitary creatures (unless you happen to have more than one cat in the household, but that’s entirely different) In nature they are solitary and are not motivated to please us. They do show love and affection in their own way, but not like a dog would.
      For instance, for the most part, Luna ignores me unless she wants to be fed or wants to be played with. Yet, when I get up to leave the apartment, I can hear her meowing up a storm as I’m heading toward the elevator. When I get back home, she greets me at the door and rubs herself all over me. Once I get settled on the couch she goes back and does her own thing, which is to lay in her bed to continue her beauty sleep.
      Of all the cats I’ve ever had, she is the least affectionate and won’t sleep in the bed with me. All my other cats have been lap babies and have snuggled with me every night in bed.
      I believe there’s hope, though. As she’s getting older she’s starting to camp out on my lap and take her naps while I’m on my laptop writing or watching T.V. She still won’t sleep with me. WHAAAA!!!
      I’ll tell you something that’s really comical. I’ll be working on my computer and I’ll feel these ‘eyes’ on me. I turn to look and there she is, very intently staring at me.
      Whoever said if cats are looking you like they want to eat you, it’s because they do want to eat you is ridiculous. I guarantee cats have no desire to want to eat us. A large part of why they stare at us is that they find us curious and amusing.

      Liked by 1 person

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