Little do you know, I’m still up at 4 a.m. wondering what I did wrong
What is love?
©2022 Kelly Jeanne
Most people who’ve experienced a lifetime of love have problems answering this question. How much less someone who’s never experienced love?
All my life I’ve been accused of using hyperbole, being overly dramatic, attention seeking. Why?
My abuse started when I was born and lasted throughout my childhood. Do you know the worst years anyone can be abused? The formative years. This is because the brain develops much faster during this time than at any other time in a person’s life. When these years are not developed and nurtured, this causes serious behavioral issues throughout life.
People readily acknowledge this, even while not fully understanding how truly crippling this can be for someone. Yet, when they meet someone like myself who has been so neglected in love and in life, and I tell them how being raised in such a dysfunctional and toxic environment has really messed me up, their reaction is usually, “Naaahhhh!” “Stop overreacting.” “You have to stop exaggerating.” “How is talking like this accomplishing anything for you?”
It’s easy to believe something when they are simply words on paper or confined to an academic setting. However, once those words are taken off the paper and removed from the world of academia and steps into reality, it’s too much for the average person to accept. These are the moments reality hits hard. No one likes reality. Most prefer to stay insulated in their little bubbles.
Do you know what trauma is? Trauma is when you’ve had too much reality forced upon you; thrust upon you when your mind is too young to handle it. This is what happened to me. I never had the luxury of a bubble to protect me. My whole childhood was raw and uncertain; a living hell that continually brought me to the edge of insanity everyday while growing up.
When I finally left home you would have thought I was raised by wolves. I always say that if I were raised by wolves I certainly would have received more love. I didn’t know anything when I first entered the real world. Those around me thought I was incredibly stupid. Looking back, I would have agreed.
Imagine being 25 and being so unsocialized because of the years of neglect, you weren’t taught anything about anything. As a result the bullying I had received all through school; all through my childhood, continued. This time from adults, and I use that term loosely. I feel as if I’ve spent my whole life around 5th graders. Socializing myself was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, simply because I never had any positive role models to go from. At the age of 64 I still haven’t mastered it.
When anyone says to me,
“Don’t feel bad! I haven’t mastered it myself!”
They think they’re saying this as a show of support. Instead, this shows they don’t have a clue about what I’m talking about. How do I know? Usually these people have family, friends and can talk easily with people. If you’ve been neglected and never shown love, people wouldn’t necessarily be attracted to you, at least not good people.
People who are raised as I was come across as raw and hard to digest. We are unsettling and we rub people the wrong way. None of this is intentional. This is what severe trauma does to someone.
I’m not ashamed to say that I’m severely messed up in the head because I didn’t do this to me. The egg and sperm donor did this to me. The sad part is I’ll always be paying for the sins they committed against me. The multiple concussions I sustained while a child only complicated things as well.
I don’t know what love is, but I sure know what it isn’t.
What about you? Do you know what love is?